and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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