I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
he puts the penis in happiness.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
