Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
