I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
