The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
