Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
