he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
