Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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