im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
