I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
