Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
