You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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