Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I believe in your delicious
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
