Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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