bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
