I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
