its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
