Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
