Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
