the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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