she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
whose parrot is this?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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