So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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