I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
