Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize