Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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