right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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