someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
