that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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