Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
