I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
