ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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