i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
