Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he was CRYING into my vagina
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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