I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
