can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
