i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Randomize
