He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
