Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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