forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
