I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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