I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
