You're completely useless in the revolution.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
