Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
