my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
