He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
