The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
