got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
