If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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