I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
