also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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