FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I can feel your judgement through the phone
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
