I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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