Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
