every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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