I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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